McCain Knows Best on Troop Pull-Out Timetable

McCain (and me) know best when it comes to just about everything. One of the things we know best about is when to pull out of Iraq: when we say! We don't listen to puppet governments, or real governments or anybody else. That's because we're so darn sure of ourselves. Liberals, on the other hand, listen to puppet governments. That's because liberals are soft and don't know what's best for people, or countries, or anything for that matter!

McCain -- Deceit and Infidelity Are Needed Now

John McCain, whose life resembles mine in so many ways, started sleeping with his current wife, Cindy, before he got divorced from his first wife, Carol.

Amazingly, I did pretty much the same thing!

Like John McCain, my first wife got into a terrible car accident. John McCain was in his hell-hole in Vietnam. I was on a sales trip. When I got home and saw my wife, I immediately began seeking the solace of a rich young woman, like John did.

Here's where our lives differ a bit: John got a rich young woman while I did not. But I did dump my first wife, and did sleep with a few women before I divorced her. That's got to count for something!

With all the Muslims running around intent on killing Americans, McCain and me know that deceit, though unpleasant, must be used against them.

What this all boils down to is this: McCain and me have been practicing deceit so that we can do our duty as patriots and defend the Homeland against Muslim infidels!

MCain -- Are "Whiners" for Real?

On this whole "whiner" business, I have to say I agree more with Phil Gramm, John McCain's top economic advisor, than I do with John McCain. Sorry, John, but it's the truth.

Phil Gramm is right to say that left-wing people are suffering from a recession that's totally in their heads. And that they're whiners on top of it.

You, John McCain, never whined when you were being tortured by the Vietcong, did you? Because that's the real story here. Because elections are not about issues or what people say. It's about character.

Anybody can talk about issues. But character is something different. You're born with it. You've either got it or you don't. And torture makes your true character come out. Of all people, you should know that, John McCain.

So how Muslim is Obama? Only through character-revealing torture will we ever get the real answer on that one.

John McCain -- you haven't forgotten all those whining hippies who stood in lines hundreds of hippies deep to spit in your face when you came back from Vietnam, have you?

Have you forgotten the whiny Vietcong hippies and terrorists who spit in your face morning, noon and night with their big hawking communist loogies full of bamboo and betel-nut mash?

I know you're running for president, Mr. McCain, but that's no reason to be nice to whiny left-wing-nut-spitters!

McCain's Father & Grandfather Both Admirals?

John McCain's father and grandfather were both Admirals in the US Navy. Amazingly enough, both my grandfather and father owned Admiral refrigerators.

Some people might say that doesn't make me similar to John McCain. Well, all I know is that those refrigerators did their jobs and did them heroically without complaint, just like John McCain's grandfather and father did.

If you can't see the similarity between my life and John McCain's regarding this, then you're probably a liberal!

McCain Attends Private Prep School?

John McCain went to Episcopal High School in Alexandria, Virginia. And, believe it or not, I went to a private prep school, too!

The prep school I went to was called Prescott Prep and was located in Prescott Lake, New York. It burnt down after I left. I had nothing to do with that, despite what the headmaster thought.

At Prescott Prep, I mostly played hockey and got into fights both on the ice and in school. Because it's located in Virginia, John McCain probably didn't get into any fights on ice in his school.

Still, there are more similarities than differences in our educations!

MCain Takes Money from Developer?

Like John McCain, I have accepted money from people who wanted me to do something for them. And like John McCain, I got people the things they wanted in exchange for the money. Some people think this is scandalous and wrong. McCain and me call it progress. It's what every good American wants. And McCain and me are both good Americans. Although he is a better American than me because he was shot down and tortured in Vietnam. Still, I try to be a good American and that's what counts!

Back in 2003, John McCain secured millions in federal funds for a land acquisition program that provided a windfall for an Arizona developer, SunCor Development whose executives donated $224,000 to John McCain since 1998, including $104,100 for his current presidential run.

What I did was amazingly similar. My sisters-in-law gave me money to buy a birthday present for my wife, some really nice earrings. I found a jewelry store online and bought the earrings for half the price that my sisters-in-laws said it would cost at the local jewelry store. I kept the rest of the money, figuring I'd spend it on birthday presents for my sisters-in-law. And, keeeping my word to myself, I did.

Now I know that's not exactly what John McCain did, but if you ask me, it's in the same ballpark. The main point is there's no scandal in what John McCain did or what I did. Unless you're a liberal and think there's something wrong in using the money people give you so progress can be made.

Which would be an absurd liberal thing to say, of course!

McCain's Poor Judgment?

Back in the 80s, John McCain was rebuked by the Senate Ethics Committee for exercising "poor judgment" when he stuck up for corrupt banker Charles Keating with federal regulators who were trying to seize his bankrupt bank. Amazingly, like John McCain, I, too, have exercised poor judgement!

In high school there was this slutty girl who was sleeping with all the guys on the basketball team. Turned out she had the clap, and so all of us got it, too. I didn't fly around in her private jet like John McCain flew around in Charles Keating's jet. But I did ride around with her in her convertible. That looked improper to some people, especially when I mooned them at stoplights.

I should have known that my getting involved with her would have the appearance of wrongdoing. And although I didn't do anything wrong, it had the appearance of wrongness and that was wrong. Remarkably, that's pretty much what John McCain said when the Ethics Committee asked him about taking money from Keating and flying around in his jet!

Just another coincidence? I hardly think so!

Cindy McCain's Drug Problem?

It's pretty amazing how similar my life and John McCain's life is. My wife had a drug problem, too!

Back in 1994, Cindy McCain, philanthropist, businesswoman, was stealing Percoset and Vicodin from a not-for-profit organization that she founded, AVMT (American Voluntary Medical Team). She admitted it and apologized, and like Rush Limbaugh and other people who have important jobs serving the public, didn't have to go to jail even though she broke the law.

My wife, like Cindy McCain, was taking drugs, too, back in 1994. She was taking Sudafed, twice as many as the directions said. And once in a while, she'd have a glass of wine and get more than a little sleepy, and a couple of times, even loopy. She knew it was wrong, and, one morning told me she was going to stick to what the directions said from then on. And be careful not to drink wine at the same time.

Well, wouldn't you know it -- Cindy McCain said pretty much the same thing in her press conference back in 1994! And, even more amazingly, Cindy, admitted to stealing and taking drugs on the very same day my wife swore she was going to strictly follow the directions on the Sudafed box!

Coincidence? I don't think so.

McCain Like Me?

My friends have been telling me for months now to start a blog and let people know about the amazing similarites between my life and the life of John McCain.

Some of you might remember I had a blog called Me & George W a year or so ago. In that blog I told people about how similar my life was to George W. Bush's life. That's still true. It's just that now, I feel like my life is little more like John McCain's.

I guess that makes me kind of a maverick. Just like John McCain!